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I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.

Rodney Dangerfield

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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD

Already Always Eye Garbage Keep Me Rid She Told Try Wife
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD

Father Finger Kidnap More Piece Proof Remember Sent Time Want
I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD

Asleep Blind Day Face Kid Library Man One Pimple Plenty Raed Wake
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD

Fat Found Look One Only Out People Way
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD

Everyone Fruit Laugh Loom Met Morning Underwear
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD

Everyone Fruit Hear Met Morning Ridiculous Underwear Yet
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD

Halloween Kind Life Look Parent Sent
When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD

Cat Cover Kept Me Play Sandbox Up
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD

Always Found Kid Move Parent
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD

Bath Hate Parent Radio Toast Toy
My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD

Ben Big Clock Country Cousin Find Gay
I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD

Ask How Big People Pet Store Work
With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD

Birthday Ever Had Join Respect Toast Water Wife Women
Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD

Being Do Draw Men Most Thing Told Wage
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD

Family Found Look Nap Tree Was
My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD

Back Car Drive Want Wife

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