The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDI found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
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My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
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I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
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I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
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At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD