My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDI found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
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I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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Life is just a bowl of pits.
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
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My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
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I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’
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My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD