I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDI found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
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At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.
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The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
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With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
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I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
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I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
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My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
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Life is just a bowl of pits.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD






