With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDWhen I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
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Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
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My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
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Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask.
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.
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What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
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It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD