When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDWhen I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’
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I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
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My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
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I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
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I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
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I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
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Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
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My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD