“When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.”

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.

Life is just a bowl of pits.

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!

I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.

I’m shy and can’t for the life of me barge around and slap people on the back.

Paul ripped off John’s right arm and used it to slap John across the face, then he said, “Those’re horrible, mate, just horrible, y’know.

Mom flipped through the magazines like the pages needed to be slapped.

Never slap a man who’s chewing tobacco.

If you catch me saying ‘I am a serious actor,’ I beg you to slap me.