“I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.”

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.

Life is just a bowl of pits.

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!

My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

This is the message of your life and my life – it’s that nothing lasts. Heraclitus said it: Panta Rhei. All flows, nothing lasts. Not your enemies, not your fortune, not who you sleep with at night, not the books, not the house in Saint-Tropez, not even the children – nothing lasts.

Afterward, I had the last laugh. I made an air bubble at the bottom of the lake. Our friends kept waiting for us to come up, but hey-when you are the son of Poseidon, you don’t have to hurry. And it was pretty much the best underwater kiss of all time.

I’ll say it one last time: Be brave.

I don’t like sleeping with people I really love. I don’t want to sleep with them because sex cannot last, but affection can last forever.

A wise person does at once, what a fool does at last. Both do the same thing; only at different times.

Yeah, D-Wade called me up last night and said that he saw some film of me in high school and thinks that my form then was better and that I should shoot like that.

How warm i feel. How icredibly alive and vibrant and heedless every last inch of me feels next to you.

She was no longer wrestling with the grief, but could sit down with it as a lasting companion and make it a sharer in her thoughts.