What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDI saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
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I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask.
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
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What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
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A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
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I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
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With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!
RODNEY DANGERFIELD