My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDI saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.
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I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
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Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’
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I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
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Life is just a bowl of pits.
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD






