I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDI looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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Life is just a bowl of pits.
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A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
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I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
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My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD