Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’
RODNEY DANGERFIELDI looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
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I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.
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I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD