“There’s nobody to believe in anymore, nobody to trust.”

Villains are a ball. People have been laughing at me for 50 years, so I love to sit in the back of the theater and listen to them hate me.

Let’s face it: It’s difficult enough to be funny without worrying about what is going to offend whom.

Marriage is nature’s way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.

When I get up in the morning, I have to decide what I’m going to have for dinner or I can’t get through the day.

As a parent, I’d – I’d be a better father.

It’s more fun with someone who really likes it. I can’t imagine having a lasting friendship with anyone who is not interested in food.

I don’t mind being 65, but nobody is gonna tell me to come in at 5:30 to have the early bird special.

I didn’t know we were poor until I started giving interviews.

Now that’s better than sex, but only if the salami is thickly sliced.

I was a high school throw-out.

My favorite way to spend Saturday is in and out of bed, watching sports on TV and eating.

I just never saw my mother in any other room but the kitchen. There were always pots going.

My son says I never tell stories about anyone who’s living.

My mother’s sister was killed in a trolley car accident, so I was raised as one of eight with my sister and six male cousins.

And humor has always been a weapon. You want to get even on somebody?

If you stop and think about it, nearly all great humor is at the expense of someone or something.

I know all the girls, but we all work a lot and don’t have time to hang out together. They’re all really nice; I’ve never had a problem with any model.

This is where men and women are different, we can put aside petty competition for relationships – they can’t. It interferes.

I don’t settle in any other area of my life when it comes to excellence, so why should I lower my standards when it comes to boys?

And when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work, because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that my dear friend, is the beginning of the end of any nation.

You feel that you can hit any pitch.

A Literary Society is the most proper form for the introduction of our Order into any state where we are yet strangers.

I didn’t drone any children. I didn’t steal any children’s future. I didn’t sell this country into debt.

For any movement to gain momentum, it must start with a small action.