“You don’t realize how much you use your credit card not even to buy things. It’s a card you get so you can navigate society.”

The best gift you can give yourself is some drive–that thing inside of you that gets you out the door to the gym, job interviews, and dates.

It should be like a salmon taking to open water. I’ve done so much morning radio that I won’t be overwhelmed by it, but it’s still going to be a challenge.

If Joy Behar or Sherri Shepherd was a dude, they’d be off TV. They’re not funny enough for dudes. What if Roseanne Barr was a dude? Think we’d know who she was?

I don’t think I’ve ever seen pie advertised. That’s how you know it’s good. They advertise ice cream and other desserts.

I would say the podcast is my favorite because I like the freedom of podcasting. With podcasting you can really mess around with the form and the format.

I liked radio, or podcasting. I like talking minus the camera and the script part. All those mediums are different, and they are all different with their pluses and minuses.

The thing about a good podcast is you have to have a good host. If you don’t have a compelling host then you have nothing.

The truth is we’re all probably more creative than we realize, except we spend our lives watching TV or reading somebody else’s book.

I’m a comedian, not a politician.

I liked cars and architecture, and things that cost money. I wanted to not swing a hammer, and make money… and not do stuff that was dirty.

You’re 28, why are you going to goth clubs? Do what I do, sit at home & wait to die. You don’t have to kill yourself, you’re just waiting.

The pace of radio is very fast. Boom, boom, with a little six minute segment, then on to the next thing. With podcasts you can talk about something for 25 minutes if you like – there is a lot of artistic freedom with it.

He doesn’t sound like a guy who’s done a onesome, let alone a threesome.

As I said in my last book, birds are mean. They’re the only pet that, when they escape, the owners are relieved. You can tell a species is evil by doing this simple math.

When I’m in power, here’s how I’m gonna put the country back on its feet. I’m going to put sterilizing agents in the following products: Sunny Delight, Mountain Dew, and Thick-Crust Pizza. Only the ‘tardiest of the ‘tards like the thick crust.

. It’s an even wooden floor, and may the best man or woman win. And I say God bless Dancing with the Stars, and God bless the USA.

The teachers at my school were quite often card-carrying members of the Labour Party and it just was not part of the culture to approve of what the government was doing.

If you don’t have the money management skills yet, using a debit card will ensure you don’t overspend and rack up debt on a credit card.

In politics, strangely enough, the best way to play your cards is to lay them face upwards on the table.

It was tough to fail year after year. I never even got to the final stage until I got my card on the Web.com Tour.

Debt is a trap, especially student debt, which is enormous, far larger than credit card debt.

If you look at my job, my union card, it says ‘actor.’ It don’t say nothing about celebrity, movie star, nothing like that, and that’s one thing that keeps me humble.

Don’t send funny greeting cards on birthdays or at Christmas. Save them for funerals, when their cheery effect is needed.

Life is not a matter of holding good cards, but of playing a poor hand well.