I’d never hurt another person.
ADAM CAROLLAThere’s no bigger atheist than me. Well, I take that back. I’m a cancer screening away from going agnostic and a biopsy away from full-fledged Christian.
More Adam Carolla Quotes
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Everyone keeps saying, “Oh my God, oh my God, how intimidating.” It’s like saying, “How could you date Jennifer Aniston after she’s been with Brad Pitt?” I don’t care.
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I’m harmless. I don’t have any ill will or ill thought towards anybody. When people know you’re that way, you can say stuff that the creepy guy at your office could never get away with.
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Welfare is monetary methadone.
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I’m not sexist, I’m just a realist.
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We never pick up a brush and stand in front of our own easel.
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You have the unenviable choice between being dropped off last or being dropped off first and having a bunch of losers who can’t afford cab fare and have no friends or loved ones with cars knowing exactly where you live.
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Maybe I’m delusional but I’m usually funny. It’s not 100% but I have a pretty good batting average.
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Maybe it’s weird, but I don’t feel in any way, shape or form that I’m taking over his show.
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People are stupid. There’s a lot of dumb stuff that’s successful.
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Asking someone in advance not judge you, is like asking someone in advance not to smell you.
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It’s like the Fouth of July in my underpants.
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If the media isnt slanted toward the Left, why is everyone so worried about my affiliation with Glenn Beck but not with Alec Baldwin?
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Should women be on any pills besides birth control? We should just give them all sugar pills for everything, they’re so suggestible.
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I am not agnostic. I am atheist. I don’t think there is no God; I know there’s no God. I know there’s no God the same way I know many other laws in our universe.
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Screw guilt — I could have sex with 10 men and it wouldn’t bother me. I’m an atheist!
ADAM CAROLLA