“I have a daughter who I love very much, I hire women, I’ve worked with women, I’ve never had an issue with women.”

It’s like the Fouth of July in my underpants.

I want to work for myself, and I do work for myself. I make plenty of money working for myself.

I spoke to my dad, and he said it took close to 90 dollars to raise me. But that was me and my sister, and my sister moved out when she was 16, so sometimes it can knock you up to triple digits to raise a kid.

I am not a good cue card reader.

Oprah tells women what to read, what to eat, what to think, what to do.

I’ve never not finished a masturbatory session or a pizza. Those are the two things I’ve never left behind.

When I say things that sound insane, like only the smartest million people should have the right to vote, well, I mean that.

Those dads that go off to Florida and start a new life, I couldn’t imagine that: seeing my kid once every Christmas, every three years. If I’m gone for six days it feels like too much

You don’t cruise the Internet looking for your name and walk away with a good feeling. So, I never do it.

I used to be a Democrat, now I’m basically a Republican.

No one is depressed when they’re being chased by a bear.

Speaking of sleeping bags, has anything ever had a less creative name?

Screw guilt — I could have sex with 10 men and it wouldn’t bother me. I’m an atheist!

It’s something I’ve always kicked around, not doing the eBook but the Rich Man, Poor Man thing.

I got drunk in Canada. I was there for 2 days but I was drunk there for 4 days. I don’t know how it worked. I guess it was with the time difference or something.

I swear my car won’t run unless I’m picking my nose: At least, I’m that superstitious about it, so I don’t want to take any chances.

The man who is fortunate in his choice of son-in-law gains a son; the man unfortunate in his choice loses his daughter also.

Educate your sons and daughters, send them to school, and show them that beside the cartridge box, the ballot box, and the jury box, you also have the knowledge box.

Boys laugh at what they put girls through – but they won’t be laughing when – they’re wiping tears off their daughters face for the same reason.

Hope has two beautiful daughters; their names are Anger and Courage. Anger at the way things are, and Courage to see that they do not remain as they are.

He is a gentleman; I am a gentleman’s daughter; so far we are equal.

Sometimes, when I see my grand daughters make small discoveries of their own, I wish I were a child.

Wisdom is the daughter of experience.

Beloved, you are my sister, you are my daughter, you are my face; you are me.