“Those dads that go off to Florida and start a new life, I couldn’t imagine that: seeing my kid once every Christmas, every three years. If I’m gone for six days it feels like too much”

You have the unenviable choice between being dropped off last or being dropped off first and having a bunch of losers who can’t afford cab fare and have no friends or loved ones with cars knowing exactly where you live.

All TV is, is really: ‘Don’t you want to be this, aren’t you glad you’re not that.’ There’s nothing really in the middle.

I’m not sexist, I’m just a realist.

Junior colleges are high schools with ashtrays.

I guess my feeling is that if you’re going to make a joke, that’s fine, but you should also sort of stand behind it, you know? A joke should be more than a joke, it should be a point that you’re trying to make.

I cook a little bit. I make a Hungarian dish called chicken paprikash that’s out of this world. I’ll give a heads-up to all of your readers that it doesn’t have to be between Thai and Mexican every night.

You don’t realize how much you use your credit card not even to buy things. It’s a card you get so you can navigate society.

They advertise the bejeeezus out of yogurt, but I haven’t seen one pie commercial.

I’m not comically oriented. I get angry and I start complaining and then people start laughing. I don’t even want them to laugh half the time.

I’m a doofus from the Valley, a blue-collar guy.

I don’t have anything against my mom, but my family has no emotional connection to each other.

People have to be realistic, or the dream just drags on.

What we used to settle with common sense or a fist, we settle with hand sanitizer and lawyers.

I know there’s no God and I know most of the world knows that as well. They just won’t admit it because there’s another thing they know. They know they’re going to die and it freaks them out.

I think comedy has evolved like every art form, and people probably do less standing around and telling jokes, and more things that have to do with reality.

There’s no bigger atheist than me. Well, I take that back. I’m a cancer screening away from going agnostic and a biopsy away from full-fledged Christian.

Dear Lord, I’ve been asked, nay commanded, to thank Thee for the Christmas turkey before us…

You can’t allow the forces of political correction to shut you up. I mean, why are people afraid to say, ‘Merry Christmas?’ Give me a break. If people don’t like it, yeah, they can go do something else.

Criticism can never instruct or benefit you. Its chief effect is that of a telegram with dubious news. Praise leaves no glow behind, for it is a writer’s habit to remember nothing good of himself.

And whether these poor people would not fare far better if they were entrusted to the devils in Hell than they do at the hands of the devils of the New World who masquerade as Christians.

For a Jewish guy, I’ve recorded a lot of Christmas albums.

Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.

At this time of year it’s easy to forget the true meaning of Christianity – the lies, the corruption, the abuse.

Next to a circus there ain’t nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit.