“I’m just gonna tell her, “Be a staff writer for a sitcom. Because they’ll have to hire you, they can’t really fire you, and you don’t have to produce that much. It’ll be awesome.””

Of course on air I use occasional hyperbole to tell a story.

This is why the terrorists hate us. And it’s not the glitter and it’s not the pomp and circumstance.

Well, the post office is probably not the place you want to go if you want to be infused with patriotism and a renewed sense of vigor.

I am semi-ambivalent about being on camera – sort of low-key. I don’t like being on camera stuff that much.

My first car was a motorcycle.

You shouldn’t be eating anything that takes six minutes to microwave.

It’s like the Fouth of July in my underpants.

I want to work for myself, and I do work for myself. I make plenty of money working for myself.

I spoke to my dad, and he said it took close to 90 dollars to raise me. But that was me and my sister, and my sister moved out when she was 16, so sometimes it can knock you up to triple digits to raise a kid.

I have a daughter who I love very much, I hire women, I’ve worked with women, I’ve never had an issue with women.

I am not a good cue card reader.

Oprah tells women what to read, what to eat, what to think, what to do.

I’ve never not finished a masturbatory session or a pizza. Those are the two things I’ve never left behind.

When I say things that sound insane, like only the smartest million people should have the right to vote, well, I mean that.

Those dads that go off to Florida and start a new life, I couldn’t imagine that: seeing my kid once every Christmas, every three years. If I’m gone for six days it feels like too much

You don’t cruise the Internet looking for your name and walk away with a good feeling. So, I never do it.

Because of its vitality, the computing field is always in desperate need of new cliches.

Often for me, if I hear a song I know, it clicks for me and I hear it in a different way and I think, “I could sing that song. I’ve got something to say about that song. Wanting to connect with an audience and wanting them to rethink songs.

if you get sick, America, the Republican health care plan is this: Die quickly.

The legacy of Steve Jobs and the strength of Steve Jobs is that he established a company that’s clearly firing on all cylinders and clicking very well.

I guess the bottomline is, if there are two versions, then the better one will click.

I gotta say – if I clicked on a movie interview, and the first part was all about Walt Whitman, I’d love that article.

… the battle for the acceptance of photography as Art was not only counter-productive but counter-revolutionary. The most important photography is most emphatically not Art.

To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click ‘I Agree’.