“It should be like a salmon taking to open water. I’ve done so much morning radio that I won’t be overwhelmed by it, but it’s still going to be a challenge.”

Having sex without a condom is like riding a roller coaster with diarrhea. You can’t just throw your hands up and enjoy it.

If my blond lab Molly was the size of T-Rex, that would just mean more kibble, more work for the gardener in the backyard, and a harder time moving her to my wife’s side of the bed at night.

Telling them to stop isn’t going to help. There has to be some incentive for them to alter their behavior.

The Aston Martin is a beautiful car. It’s a work of art, I love the interior and the style of the car.

I don’t think healthcare’s a right. The only right you have is the ability to go out on an even playing field and work, and then purchase health insurance, or whatever it is.

I have no connection with Hollywood. I’m not interested. I don’t care.

Life is just the time between crapping yourself.

We never pick up a brush and stand in front of our own easel.

Lets not focus on saving a nickel… lets focus on making a buck.

I think people have a strong desire to push me and others into some sort of political box that they can wrap their minds around.

Maybe it’s weird, but I don’t feel in any way, shape or form that I’m taking over his show.

Maybe I’m delusional but I’m usually funny. It’s not 100% but I have a pretty good batting average.

Millions of guys play millions of basketball games every day of the week at the playground or the YMCA. But LeBron James gets $20 million a year because he can jam on all of those guys.

The best gift you can give yourself is some drive–that thing inside of you that gets you out the door to the gym, job interviews, and dates.

If Joy Behar or Sherri Shepherd was a dude, they’d be off TV. They’re not funny enough for dudes. What if Roseanne Barr was a dude? Think we’d know who she was?

I don’t think I’ve ever seen pie advertised. That’s how you know it’s good. They advertise ice cream and other desserts.

When audiences come to see us authors lecture, it is largely in the hope that we’ll be funnier to look at than to read.

Nothing is funnier than confidently doing the wrong thing.

I’m just gonna tell her, “Be a staff writer for a sitcom. Because they’ll have to hire you, they can’t really fire you, and you don’t have to produce that much. It’ll be awesome.”