If birds were the size of a T-Rex, the streets would be littered with human remains.
ADAM CAROLLAIt should be like a salmon taking to open water. I’ve done so much morning radio that I won’t be overwhelmed by it, but it’s still going to be a challenge.
More Adam Carolla Quotes
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When you’re picking a basketball team, you’ll take the brother over the guy with the yarmulke. Why? Because you’re playing the odds.
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What we used to settle with common sense or a fist, we settle with hand sanitizer and lawyers.
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The shuttle is the worst $20 you’ll ever save. It adds 90 minutes to whatever a Town Car or cab would have been.
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No, I had not read any other comedian’s book. Not that I don’t enjoy other comedians; I’m just not a reader.
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Chicks love dudes who are successful who happen to have money – do you know what I mean? Chicks are attracted to dudes that are doing their own thing.
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Being a poor reader was enough to make me not want to do that type of formatted show
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Those dads that go off to Florida and start a new life, I couldn’t imagine that: seeing my kid once every Christmas, every three years. If I’m gone for six days it feels like too much
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Wearing Crocs is like getting blown by a dude. It feels great until you look down and realize you’re gay.
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You’re 28, why are you going to goth clubs? Do what I do, sit at home & wait to die. You don’t have to kill yourself, you’re just waiting.
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As I said in my last book, birds are mean. They’re the only pet that, when they escape, the owners are relieved. You can tell a species is evil by doing this simple math.
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I spoke to my dad, and he said it took close to 90 dollars to raise me. But that was me and my sister, and my sister moved out when she was 16, so sometimes it can knock you up to triple digits to raise a kid.
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Speaking of sleeping bags, has anything ever had a less creative name?
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I have a daughter who I love very much, I hire women, I’ve worked with women, I’ve never had an issue with women.
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I have no connection with Hollywood. I’m not interested. I don’t care.
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I get depressed at airports.
ADAM CAROLLA






