“Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for – looking up exes to see how fat they got?”

Jim Bakker spells his name with two k’s because three would be too obvious.

You know, there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time, husband!!!

It’s very hard not to be condescending when you’re explaining something to an idiot.

Religion, it stops people from thinking because they think all the answers are in that one book; it impedes progress; it justifies crazy people. Flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative.

The Dalai Lama visited the White House and told the President that he could teach him to find a higher state of consciousness. Then after talking to Bush for a few minutes, he said, ‘You know what? Let’s just grab lunch.’

Beating Newt Gingrich in a popularity contest is like beating Stephen Hawking in ‘Dancing with the Stars.’

As you go down the path of life, ask whats true. Not who else believes it.

Maybe a president who didn’t believe our soldiers were going to heaven might be a little less willing to get them killed.

Curious people are interesting people, I wonder why that is.

Now people want Brian Williams to resign, but it could have a happy ending. Apparently what he said was such a blatant departure from the truth, today he got an offer from Fox News.

Hot women have to stop putting long paragraphs of text on their bodies. I know you think it’s sexy but one thing that men never think is, “Gee, you know what would make this sex better? Having something to read.”

Hollywood isn’t your cesspool, America. It’s your mirror.

What I believe in is love your neighbor as yourself and don’t call him stupid because they don’t agree with you politically.

Again, (America is) a stupid country with stupid people who don’t pay attention.

The reason I love my dog so much is because when I come home, he’s the only one in the world who treats me like I’m the Beatles.

Let’s make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake – you know, to send the right message to kids.

I am the original ‘Material Girl.’

Guys is supposed to be able to be original and dress like how they want to dress. The NBA can’t dress no grown man.

I don’t have any problems with what these guys wear because they got their own style and their own originality. That’s the way it’s supposed to be, man.

No one can be profoundly original who does not avoid eccentricity.

My last name is originally Irish. I’m not exactly sure whereabouts it’s from, but I’ve got family branches that were traced back there.

Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born to people you could not have possibly met.

Originality is also very important to a writer. And all of the writers I’ve mentioned, of course, are original, but it’s important to me that every book that I do be really a completely fresh and new look at the world.

It is decidedly not true that “nice guys finish last,” as that highly original American baseball philosopher, Leo Durocher, was alleged to have said.