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To get a man’s attention, just stand in front of the TV and don’t move. He’ll talk to you. I promise.

Tim Allen

The world’s a mean place. It’s unfair, then it’s fair. It’s hateful, then it’s loving. It’s a very peculiar place on philosophical and metaphysical and religious levels.
TIM ALLEN

Hate Level Lover Place Religious World
I had a very easy time loving an audience. But when it’s one-on-one with somebody, all I wanted to do was run away, because maybe they’re going to want something from me I can’t give, or they’re going to hurt me.
TIM ALLEN

Audience Easy Hurt Myself Time
There is no greater feeling than when a groom turns to see his bride and has tears in his eyes because she is so beautiful.
TIM ALLEN

Beautiful Bride Feeling Greatness Herself
Never comment on a woman’s rear end. Never use the words ‘large’ or ‘size’ with ‘rear end’. Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.
TIM ALLEN

Area Avoid Comment Togetherness Woman
I have a thing for tools.
TIM ALLEN

Myself Tools
I think there’s a percentage that don’t realize, that don’t know that [standup] is how everything began. We planned it, we work hard, rehearsals to get this. It’s more of a it’s not just coming in there in a T-shirt and holding a microphone.
TIM ALLEN

Beginning Comedy Hard Work Hold Stand Thinking
A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.
TIM ALLEN

Day Himself Interest Love Man
Women are brilliant. Every woman knows how to do the weirdest thing right out of the bucket. Every woman knows how to do that Hindu head wrap with the towel out of the shower. Ever try to do that? You look like a drunk Iraqi soldier.
TIM ALLEN

Appearance Brilliant Funny Head Shower Weird Woman Yourself
I have to get a licence to drive a motorcycle to protect myself and the people around me. I am adamant there should be some sort of licensing required to have children.
TIM ALLEN

Children Drive License Protection Requirement
To get a man’s attention, just stand in front of the TV and don’t move. He’ll talk to you. I promise.
TIM ALLEN

Attention Himself Man Move Talk Television Yourself
My comedy is not mine. It’s a gift. I’m not that smart.
TIM ALLEN

Comedy Gift Intelligence Myself Smart
If you don’t decide where you’re going, life will decide for you.
TIM ALLEN

Control Decision Direction Journey Path Yourself
Be wary of listening to stories secondhand.
TIM ALLEN

Hands Listening Story
I have always enjoyed do-it-yourself projects, .. Being in a position to actually help design and bring tools to market is an incredible opportunity. Being able to fund charities as a result is phenomenal.
TIM ALLEN

Charity Enjoyment Phenomenal Project Result
Anytime you work with animals, you begin to see more humanity in them.
TIM ALLEN

Animal Beginning Humanity Time Yourself
I’ve gotten so far past the Android and iPhones that I’m back to a flip-phone. It’s funny, you can buy antique flip-phones online. A lot of us collect them. Clearly, they’re considered antiques.
TIM ALLEN

Consider Funny Phone Technology

To get a man’s attention, just stand in front of the TV and don’t move. He’ll talk to you. I promise.

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To get a man’s attention, just stand in front of the TV and don’t move. He’ll talk to you. I promise.

Related Topics

Popular Authors

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