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When opportunity knocks all some people can do is complain about the noise.

Bill Maher

Trusting the government to monitor your calls without listening. It’s kind of like trusting Chris Christie to pick up the McDonald’s and not eat the fries on the way home.
BILL MAHER

Call Eat Fries Government Home Listening Trust Way
That’s what’s so great about the Internet. It allows pompous blow-hards to connect with other pompous blow-hards in a vast circle-jerk of pomposity.
BILL MAHER

Connection Greatness Internet Network
You want to spend your millions on a worthless cause? Try donating it to the Democrats.
BILL MAHER

Democracy Donate Money Yourself
The true axis of evil in America is the brilliance of our marketing combined with the stupidity of our people.
BILL MAHER

Brilliant Ourselves People Stupidity True
I feel terrible for a Palestinian child who dies. But, if it’s your father, your brother or your uncle who was firing those rockets into Israel, whose fault is it really? Do you really expect the Israelis not to retaliate?
BILL MAHER

Children Expectation Feel Mistake Rocket Terrible Yourself
To those people who say, ‘My father is alive because of animal experimentation,’ I say, ‘Yeah, well, good for you. This dog died so your father could live.’ Sorry, but I am just not behind that kind of trade-off.
BILL MAHER

Alive Animal Experiment Father Live Myself People Trade
The answer isn’t another pill. The answer is spinach.
BILL MAHER

Answer Food Health Sick
I don’t know anyone less Jesus like than Christians.
BILL MAHER

Myself Religious
The problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most certain of them.
BILL MAHER

Certain Ideas People Problem
The reason I love my dog so much is because when I come home, he’s the only one in the world who treats me like I’m the Beatles.
BILL MAHER

Animal Dog Home Love Myself Reason World
A new cologne is coming out. It’s for cowboys, and it’s made from cow’s manure. That way the women will be on you like flies!
BILL MAHER

Fertilizer Perfume Woman Yourself
Don’t get so tolerant that you tolerate intolerance.
BILL MAHER

Injustice Tolerance Yourself
I don’t say that I’m an atheist. I don’t like that term, because I think it mirrors the certitude of religion. I say I don’t know. And if you don’t know – and you don’t – just man up and say you don’t know. Don’t turn to silly stories and ancient myths.
BILL MAHER

Ancient Atheist Man Myth Religion Story Thinking
When I see the toothless guy, as a liberal, what I say is, ‘I want to help you get teeth.’ Why does that make me an a**hole?
BILL MAHER

Generosity Help Liberal Myself
Denying racism is the new racism.
BILL MAHER

New Race Trend
Ninety percent of people support background checks. Which means even people who can’t pass a background check support background checks.
BILL MAHER

Check Funny People Support

When opportunity knocks all some people can do is complain about the noise.

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When opportunity knocks all some people can do is complain about the noise.

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