“Computers aren’t intelligent, they only think they are.”

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.

My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don’t even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.

When I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I’d yell Yippee! Snow! and run up to the front door and shout You know the deal… You have to let me in now.

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence… sort of like the Post Office with tanks.

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you’ll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you’ve been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.

Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: ‘A truck!’

You know what I hate? Indian givers… no, I take that back.

You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers…damn anthropologists.

I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, “I am a bulemic”.

All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there’s so many real reasons to hate others.

I’m not as good a swimmer as I used to be – thanks to evolution.

I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don’t know what he looks like.

I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.

I’m learning Cuban. It’s like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.

I hope the field of computer science never loses its sense of fun.

The protean nature of the computer is such that it can act like a machine or like a language to be shaped and exploited.

In computers, every ‘new explosion’ was set off by a software product that allowed users to program differently.

Computer Science is embarrassed by the computer.

[Computing] is just a fabulous place for that, because it’s a place where you don’t have to be a Ph.D. or anything else. It’s a place where you can still be an artisan.

I fear – as far as I can tell – that most undergraduate degrees in computer science these days are basically Java vocational training.

I think that it’s extraordinarily important that we in computer science keep fun in computing.

A computer scientist is a machine for converting coffee into urine.