“Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.”

I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.

He who thinks with difficulty believes with alacrity. A fool is a natural proselyte, but he must be caught young, for his convictions, unlike those of the wise, harden with age.

Litigation: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage.

There is nothing new under the sun but there are lots of old things we don’t know.

Death is not the end. There remains the litigation over the estate.

Belladonna, n.: In Italian a beautiful lady; in English a deadly poison. A striking example of the essential identity of the two tongues.

Aborigines, n.: Persons of little worth found cumbering the soil of a newly discovered country. They soon cease to cumber; they fertilize.

Democracy is defended in 3 stages. Ballot Box, Jury Box, Cartridge Box.

Debt, n. An ingenious substitute for the chain and whip of the slavedriver.

Opposition, n. In politics the party that prevents the government from running amuck by hamstringing it.

Selfish, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.

Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage.

History is an account, mostly false, of events, mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers, mostly knaves, and soldiers, mostly fools.

Knowledge is the small part of ignorance that we arrange and classify.

Future. That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured.

Don’t steal; thou’lt never thus compete successfully in business. Cheat.

Liberty is the most jealous and exacting mistress that can beguile the brain and soul of man.

The way that we tried to approach every piece of music is, if the song had a brain, it would be aware of its catalog.

There’s not an idea in our heads that has not been worn shiny by someone else’s brains.

I not only use all the brains that I have, but all that I can borrow.

If this humor be the safety of our race, then it is due largely to the infusion into the American people of the Irish brain.

Anybody going into boxing already has brain damage.

Do not be so open-minded that your brains fall out.

I love getting into people’s brains and understanding the creative impetus for something.