All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusions is called a philosopher.
AMBROSE BIERCEThere are two instruments worse than a clarinet – two clarinets.
More Ambrose Bierce Quotes
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Conversation, n.: A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath is called the listener.
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LIFE, n. A spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay. We live in daily apprehension of its loss; yet when lost it is not missed.
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Distance, n. The only thing that the rich are willing for the poor to call theirs and keep.
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Logic: The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding.
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Mausoleum, n: the final and funniest folly of the rich.
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Opposition, n. In politics the party that prevents the government from running amuck by hamstringing it.
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PAIN, n. An uncomfortable frame of mind that may have a physical basis in something that is being done to the body, or may be purely mental, caused by the good fortune of another.
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LAWYER, n. One skilled in circumvention of the law.
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There are two instruments worse than a clarinet – two clarinets.
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Democracy is four wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch.
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Philosophy: A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.
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Vote: the instrument and symbol of a freeman’s power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country.
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I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.
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Consul – in American politics, a person who having failed to secure an office from the people is given one by the Administration on condition that he leave the country.
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Patriotism. Combustible rubbish ready to the torch of any one ambitious to illuminate his name.
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A person who doubts himself is like a man who would enlist in the ranks of his enemies and bear arms agains himself. He makes his failure certain by himself being the first person to be convinced of it.
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Saint: A dead sinner revised and edited.
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Wine, madam, is God’s next best gift to man.
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The covers of this book are too far apart.
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Women of genius commonly have masculine faces, figures and manners. In transplanting brains to an alien soil God leaves a little of the original earth clinging to the roots.
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Conservative, n: A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others.
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Marriage, n: the state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two.
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The hardest tumble a man can make is to fall over his own bluff.
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ARMOR, n. The kind of clothing worn by a man whose tailor is a blacksmith.
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Present, n. That part of eternity dividing the domain of disappointment from the realm of hope.
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You don’t have to be stupid to be a Christian, but it probably helps.
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