He that searches for praise will often find contempt.
NORM MACDONALDYou know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don’t care for him.
More Norm MacDonald Quotes
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It is vain to complain of fortune while we fail in policy and conduct.
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Violent people usually express their love of a thing by their hatred of its opposite.
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There are two things which a man should scrupulously avoid: giving advice that he would not follow, and asking advice when he is determined to pursue his own opinion.
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A lot of writers come from Harvard and such, and are rich, and they write under the misapprehension that poor people are stupid. So when they do write them, they are hillbillies or rednecks or Christian idiots.
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I got my computer. The great thing about the computer is that you only need enough money to buy a computer and some food, and you’re all right. I don’t have to go to premières.
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The most frequent cause of regret for what we have done is because its effects interfere with what we would do.
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Envy, like a false mirror, distorts the symmetry of the sweetest form.
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Hypocrisy is the outward acknowledgment of inward shame.
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I don’t care for sex. I find it an embarrassing, dull exercise. I prefer sports, where you can win.
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This would have been a great game to watch if we didn’t have any money on it.
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Many frequently change their principles, but seldom their practices.
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The praise we seek for our own virtues sometimes tempts us to flatter the imperfections of other men.
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Some men are tempted to violate secrecy from the uneasiness secrecy gives them, and others, merely to impress you with the extent of their confidence.
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I want you to buy this pit bull. This will protect your valuables.’ I don’t own anything very valuable. If I buy the pit bull, that would be the most valuable thing I own. I’d have to buy something to protect it then.
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When I hear a guy lost a battle to cancer, that really did bother me, that that’s a term. It implies that he failed and that somebody else that defeated cancer is heroic and courageous.
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Liberty, like health, appears most precious when lost.
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Imprudent restrictions often force youth farther than enticement would carry them; and careless limitation is frequently worse than no injunction.
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Note to self: no matter how bad life gets, there’s always beer.
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A suspicious person is the rival of him that deceives, both seem to practice a knowledge of cunning device, and equable sense of disengenuous merit.
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I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.
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Though you may be last to discover your follies, be always first to correct them.
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All my life’s about is cracking up people and them cracking me up and trying not to think about dying. That doesn’t cost very much money.
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I don’t really like politics that much. And I like the order and simplicity of sports. They have an ending. You can argue with your friends about it, but in the end you still like sports. I almost love the fantasy world of sports more than the real world.
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Enjoyment inflames love in some men, and extinguishes it in others: the wind that assists large vessels, upsets small ones.
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There are two indiscretions that generally distinguish fools: a readiness to report whatever they hear, and a practice of communicating with secrecy what is commonly understood.
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We often suffer more from our fears, than from the dangers of our situation.
NORM MACDONALD