When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.
STEVEN WRIGHTExperience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
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I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
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I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
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Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
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Clones are people two.
STEVEN WRIGHT