“Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.”

My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Half the people you know are below average.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?

All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

Radical Acceptance is the willingness to experience ourselves and our lives as it is.

There are no mistakes in life, only lessons. There is no such thing as a negative experience, only opportunities to grow, learn and advance along the road of self-mastery. From struggle comes strength. Even pain can be a wonderful teacher.

To love is to be delighted by the happiness of someone, or to experience pleasure upon the happiness of another. I define this as true love.

I did not know it was possible to be so miserable and live but I am told that this is a common experience.

The song ‘Tyler Durden’ is about the movie ‘Fight Club,’ so obviously, it’s not a personal experience, but I love that song. It’s my favorite song.

It isn’t mere love and good-will that is needed in a sick-room; it needs knowledge and experience.

Don’t be a pigeon if you were born to be an eagle. Experience God’s altitude for your life.

It’s kinda like being on a roller coaster. If you don’t get on the ride, you won’t experience the adventure.