I want you to buy this pit bull. This will protect your valuables.’ I don’t own anything very valuable. If I buy the pit bull, that would be the most valuable thing I own. I’d have to buy something to protect it then.
NORM MACDONALDI got my computer. The great thing about the computer is that you only need enough money to buy a computer and some food, and you’re all right. I don’t have to go to premières.
More Norm MacDonald Quotes
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They say that if you’re afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you’re actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I’m afraid of dogs.
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The praise we seek for our own virtues sometimes tempts us to flatter the imperfections of other men.
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Many frequently change their principles, but seldom their practices.
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All that weak people learn from disappointment, is less confidence in future enterprise.
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The first principle of solid wisdom is discretion, without it all the erudition of life is merely bagatelle.
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Chastity is oftener owing to diffidence and shame, than to fortitude of reason or virtue.
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I can’t be naturalistic enough to make it sound real. So instead, I just wander around aimlessly knowing that I’ll be funny enough with stream of consciousness until I get to the actual explosively funny part.
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The beginning of wisdom is the knowledge of folly.
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All my life’s about is cracking up people and them cracking me up and trying not to think about dying. That doesn’t cost very much money.
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In estimating the adversities of life, we would seldom have much reason to complain of the evils we suffer, did we understand the dangers we daily escape.
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Flattery succeeds best on minds previously occupied by conceit.
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As evacuation eases the body, so occasional ejectment of passion seems to appease the agonies of the soul, and dispose to tranquility the agitations of the heart.
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The standard of morals is as variable as morals themselves; of which every nation has a different code, and every custom a different reading.
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I’m thankful for women. I think women are more intelligent than men. Also, without women, there would be no cookies.
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Some people are so much afraid of being deceived, that they never venture to trust; like misers, their avarice destroys their gain.
NORM MACDONALD