My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
STEVEN WRIGHTWhen I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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How do you get off a non-stop flight?
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
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No one is listening until you make a mistake.
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
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All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
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My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.
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Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
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I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.
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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
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If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
STEVEN WRIGHT