I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
STEVEN WRIGHTIt was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
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The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
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I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
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If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
STEVEN WRIGHT