“You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.”

If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.

When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.

Clones are people two.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.

You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.

Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.

A real theatrical experience shakes the calm of the senses, liberates the compressed unconscious and drives towards a kind of potential revolt.

Ambition drove many men to become false; to have one thought locked in the breast, another ready on the tongue.

When the shoe fits, the foot is forgotten. When the belt fits, the belly is forgotten. When the heart is right, “for” and “against” are forgotten. No drives, no compulsions, no needs, no attractions: Then your affairs are under control. You are a free man.

Human life is limited, but knowledge is limitless. To drive the limited in pursuit of the limitless is fatal; and to presume that one really knows is fatal indeed!

Thankfully we had a big drive there in the fourth quarter after the fumble to put us up 11, and then the big drive to finish the game.

When I record something, I’ll take a drive and just listen

The challenge to be the best is what drives me and to just improve my body every day.

More people die on a per mile basis from drunk walking than from drunk driving.