“It is necessary to be tolerant, in order to be tolerated.”

It is often better to be restricted to necessity than unconfined in the measure of our desires: prosperity destroys more individuals than adversity ruins.

Most men will go farther to give advice than to follow their own opinion.

Liberty, like health, appears most precious when lost.

Scientists believe they may have discovered a primitive form of life on Jupiter’s moon Europa. That primitive form of life? You guessed it, Frank Stallone.

I generally have a real strong idea or a strong punchline, and I just try to get to it by rambling around, as I don’t like to memorize words.

The standard of morals is as variable as morals themselves; of which every nation has a different code, and every custom a different reading.

Few people love with the violence they hate.

This would have been a great game to watch if we didn’t have any money on it.

There are two indiscretions that generally distinguish fools: a readiness to report whatever they hear, and a practice of communicating with secrecy what is commonly understood.

You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don’t care for him.

I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.

When I hear a guy lost a battle to cancer, that really did bother me, that that’s a term. It implies that he failed and that somebody else that defeated cancer is heroic and courageous.

When people told the audience that [Sam Kinison] was good, he was accepted after that.

There are two things at which most men are grieved: when their faults are exposed, and when their virtues are concealed.

Back in the old days, a man could just get sick and die. Now they have to wage a battle. So my Uncle Bert is waging a courageous battle, which I’ve seen, because I go and visit him. And this is the battle: he’s lying in the hospital bed, with a thing in his arm, watching Matlock on the TV.

The young compliment their greatness on the number of their friends; the old, on the confidence of them.

Everything that we see is a shadow cast by that which we do not see.

Danger doesn’t always come from the enemy.

It’s hard to see things when you’re too close. Take a step back and look.

Knowing your worth makes the opinion of others hold less weight.

Heroes may not be braver than anyone else. They’re just braver 5 minutes longer.

It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.

When you can’t make them see the light, make them feel the heat.

Love comes and love goes.