The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
STEVEN WRIGHTA clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
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Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
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If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
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In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
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If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
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Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
STEVEN WRIGHT