“Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.”

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?

All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.

I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.

If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.

Trusting no man as his friend, he could not recognize his enemy when the latter actually appeared.

People will laugh at me, but when they ask me to make a wish for the next life, I will say I want the same parents, same brother and sister, same wife, same friends.

Your friends, family, and kids have to understand that’s your priority. It’s the only way you can be successful.

When you stroll through Munich it can happen that you suddenly stand in front of an old house, an idyllically-dreaming church that smiles like a friendly anachronism into our modern time.

I don’t really like politics that much. And I like the order and simplicity of sports. They have an ending. You can argue with your friends about it, but in the end you still like sports. I almost love the fantasy world of sports more than the real world.

Though sleep is called our best friend, it is a friend who often keeps us waiting!

It is well-known that the friend of a conqueror is but the last victim.

I saw the world. I learnt of new cultures. I flew across an ocean. I wore women’s clothing. Made a friend. Fell in love. Who cares if I lost a wager?