My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
STEVEN WRIGHTI just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
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If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
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Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
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Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
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If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
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If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
STEVEN WRIGHT