“On the other hand, you have different fingers.”

Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Half the people you know are below average.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?

All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?

Most opportunities are disguised as problems.

And I’ve been hurt hurt bad. I might be just twenty-six, but I’m an old woman in disguise twenty-six goin’on sixty-five.

Things aren’t always as they seem – Jesus had to die to rise from the grave.

I’m a big woman. I need big hair.

I usually go to sleep with wet hair. When I wake up, it either has a really pretty wave, or I look like a poodle.

We should always be disposed to believe that that which appears white is really black, if the hierarchy of the Church so decides.

Let a series of happy thoughts run through your mind. They will show on your face.

What matters is not your outward appearance but your inner disposition. Cultivate inner beauty, the gentle gracious kind that God delights in.