If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
STEVEN WRIGHTOn the other hand, you have different fingers.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
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Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
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No one is listening until you make a mistake.
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Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
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Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
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If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
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I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
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There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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How come abbreviated is such a long word?
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
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I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
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If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
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Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
STEVEN WRIGHT