“Always do business as if the person you’re doing business with is trying to screw you, because he probably is. And if he’s not, you can be pleasantly surprised.”

I’ve got to keep breathing. It’ll be my worst business mistake if I don’t.

With comedy, you never know until you put it in front of an audience. You shoot it and a year later you have no idea if it’s going to work. And then you get the response. It’s great when it’s good.

I have found that– just as in real life–imagination sometimes has to stand in for experience.

Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.

Chaos in the midst of chaos isn’t funny, but chaos in the midst of order is.

I actually learned about sex watching neighborhood dogs. And it was good. Go ahead and laugh. I think the most important thing I learned was: Never let go of the girl’s leg, no matter how hard she tries to shake you off.

I will do anything to look like him – except, of course, exercise or eat right.

Despite a lack of natural ability, I did have the one element necessary to all early creativity: naïveté, that fabulous quality that keeps you from knowing just how unsuited you are for what you are about to do.

I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.

I believe the United States should allow all foreigners in this country, provided they can speak our native language… Apache.

I could never be a woman, ’cause I’d just stay home and play with my breasts all day.

Dinosaurs did not walk with humans. The evolutionary record says different. They gambled.

There’s someone out there for everyone – even if you need a pickaxe, a compass, and night goggles to find them.

Always make room for the unexpected in yourself.

I’m not trying to be a big shot or anything like that, but I get my drinks half price.

Writer’s block is a fancy term made up by whiners so they can have an excuse to drink alcohol.

I’ve met every freak in the business.

The golden rule for every business man is this: ‘Put yourself in your customer’s place.’

A lot of people heard ‘Murda Business’ and thought it was about killing people, trying to be tough and hardcore. If you actually listen to the lyrics, it’s kind of silly and playful.

Every good leader is part manager and every good manager is part leader.

People are in such a hurry to launch their product or business that they seldom look at marketing from a bird’s eye view and they don’t create a systematic plan.

I want to preach a new doctrine. A complete separation of business and government.

Business is a fight, a continual struggle, just as life is.

Law has become a business. Health care has become a business. Unfortunately, politics has also become a business. That really undermines society.