Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
STEVEN WRIGHTTell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
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Clones are people two.
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I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
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Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
STEVEN WRIGHT