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Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

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Believe Funny Himself Man Stars Touch

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Marilyn Monroe Paulo Coelho Abraham Lincoln C. S. Lewis Khalil Gibran Charlie Chaplin Gautama Buddha Isaac Newton

I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
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Animal Dog Himself Myself Return
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
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Discipline Funny Himself Person Time
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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Lost Myself Place Thinking
My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
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Children Friendship Himself
I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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Food Funny Myself Service Time
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
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Forest Funny Himself Man Nature Woman Wrong
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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Coffee Myself Time
The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
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Children Deep Difference Growth Learning Old Philosophy See Teaching Yourself
Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
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Abandonment Book Build Funny Myself Ocean Yourself
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
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Control Death Game Yourself
Half the people you know are below average.
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Average Level People Yourself
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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Darkness Device Myself
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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Far Forever Goodness Immortal Live Myself
Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
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Animal Flavor Food Funny
I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
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Death Myself Quote Right Talk Word
My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Attention Believe Himself Myself Sick

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