Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
STEVEN WRIGHTTell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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Clones are people two.
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
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You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
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Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
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All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
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If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
STEVEN WRIGHT