“Half the people you know are below average.”

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”

I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I’m intimidated by the fear of being average.

I’ve always considered myself to be just average talent and what I have is a ridiculous insane obsessiveness for practice and preparation.

Small-minded people blame others. Average people blame themselves. The wise see all blame as foolishness.

You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.

Strong minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, weak minds discuss people.

Normal people can be happy with a regular life, but there is more to life than just plodding through an average existence.

The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.