Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
STEVEN WRIGHTHalf the people you know are below average.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
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I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
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Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
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If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
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How do you get off a non-stop flight?
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.
STEVEN WRIGHT






