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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.

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In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
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Call Herself Home Light Myself Phone Woman
Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
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Clones are people two.
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One Liner People
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
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I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
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When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
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Inspirational Motivational Struggle Way Wrong Yourself
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
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Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
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I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
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$Steven Wright Quote - Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.$

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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