“You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.”

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.

Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.

You’re the one to set a new standard. You’re the one to defy the odds.

Personally, I’m always ready to learn, although I do not always like being taught.

I am a Woman Phenomenally. Phenomenal Woman, that’s me.

It is our attitude toward events, not events themselves, which we can control. Nothing is by its own nature calamitous, even death is terrible only if we fear it.

Don’t be like the rest of them, darling.

I am who I am and I have the need to be.

They cannot take away our self respect if we do not give it to them.

Some people may call me a nerd. I claim the label with pride.