If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
STEVEN WRIGHTAll those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
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I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
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Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
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Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.
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No one is listening until you make a mistake.
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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.
STEVEN WRIGHT