If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
STEVEN WRIGHTAll those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
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Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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No one is listening until you make a mistake.
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If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
STEVEN WRIGHT






