When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.
STEVEN WRIGHTEverywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
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If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
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I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
STEVEN WRIGHT