For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
STEVEN WRIGHTEverywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
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I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
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Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
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If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
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Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
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I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
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All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
STEVEN WRIGHT