If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
STEVEN WRIGHTHow do you get off a non-stop flight?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
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If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.
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When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
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My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
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I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
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If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
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I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
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I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
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How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
STEVEN WRIGHT






