I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
STEVEN WRIGHTHow do you get off a non-stop flight?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
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When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
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My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
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No one is listening until you make a mistake.
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I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
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I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
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I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
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If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
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I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
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I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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Half the people you know are below average.
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.
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Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
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If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
STEVEN WRIGHT