If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.
STEVEN WRIGHTIf Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
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In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.
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Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
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No one is listening until you make a mistake.
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There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
STEVEN WRIGHT