Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
STEVEN WRIGHTIf Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
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I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
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When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
STEVEN WRIGHT