I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
STEVEN WRIGHTFive out of four people have trouble with fractions.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
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Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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No one is listening until you make a mistake.
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
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I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
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Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
STEVEN WRIGHT






