I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
STEVEN WRIGHTYou know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
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If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
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I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
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In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
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When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
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Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
STEVEN WRIGHT