If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.
STEVEN WRIGHTYou know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
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I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
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In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
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Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
STEVEN WRIGHT






