To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
STEVEN WRIGHTYou know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
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Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
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How come abbreviated is such a long word?
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Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
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Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
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If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
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If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
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Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
STEVEN WRIGHT