Half the people you know are below average.
STEVEN WRIGHTI’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
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My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.
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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
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If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
STEVEN WRIGHT