Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
STEVEN WRIGHTI’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
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I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
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I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
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I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
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My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
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No one is listening until you make a mistake.
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.
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I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
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Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
STEVEN WRIGHT