I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
STEVEN WRIGHTI went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
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If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
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Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
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Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
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If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
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I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
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Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
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I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
STEVEN WRIGHT