My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
STEVEN WRIGHTI went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
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How do you get off a non-stop flight?
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
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If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
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The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
STEVEN WRIGHT