I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
STEVEN WRIGHTWhy don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
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If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
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I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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Half the people you know are below average.
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
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I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
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How come abbreviated is such a long word?
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
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Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
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I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
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If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
STEVEN WRIGHT