I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.
JOAN RIVERSI use a smoke alarm as a timer.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
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I’m in nobody’s circle, I’ve always been an outsider.
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Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.
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I’m racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson’s back when he was black.
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On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up – and gay men should stand up at least halfway.
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Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’.
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My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, “Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia?” Shelia had died at birth.
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Your anger can be 49 percent and your comedy 51 percent, and you’re okay. If the anger is 51 percent, the comedy is gone.
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I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn’t get better. You get better.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It’s all funny.
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We don’t apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don’t get it, then don’t watch us.
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Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it’s happening.
JOAN RIVERS