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We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.

Joan Rivers

The first rule of survival is: Make your own rules. The hell anyone thinks about the way you’re acting; listen only to yourself.
JOAN RIVERS

Act Listening Rule Survive Thinking Yourself
Before we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.
JOAN RIVERS

Husband Love Myself Pain Sex Tough Wild
When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn’t wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.
JOAN RIVERS

Change Decision Himself Husband Marriage Mindset Myself
You know you’re getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
JOAN RIVERS

Deep Fun Funny Old Work Yourself
You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.
JOAN RIVERS

Age Fashion Feeling Funny Gift Memories Old Yourself
When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now…once he opened the car door for me in the last four years – we were on the freeway at the time.
JOAN RIVERS

Couple Freedom Marriage Time Yourself
Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
JOAN RIVERS

Cook Food Man Marriage Responsibility Sex Woman
I enjoy life when things are happening. I don’t care if it’s good things or bad things. That means you’re alive.
JOAN RIVERS

Alive Bad Care Enjoyment Goodness Life Myself
I’m no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.
JOAN RIVERS

Cook Food Myself
At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.
JOAN RIVERS

Cry Different Funeral Myself Sound
I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
JOAN RIVERS

Hell Holy Water
Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.
JOAN RIVERS

Happiness Money Pay Yourself
Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.
JOAN RIVERS

Goodness Hands Library Look Men Woman
If you can’t make fun of yourself, you don’t have any right to make fun of others.
JOAN RIVERS

Fun Right Yourself
In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none.
JOAN RIVERS

Day Expectation Life Yourself
Don’t worry about the money. Love the process.
JOAN RIVERS

Process Worry

We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.

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We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.

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Popular Authors

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