“We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.”

Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?

Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?

I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.

Travel is the excitement of life! Everything is an adventure, and if you look at it like that, even at the worst moment you can say: ‘We will laugh tomorrow about this.’ And you do.

Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you’re funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.

I said to my husband, ‘Why don’t you call out my name when we’re making love?’ He said, ‘I don’t want to wake you up.’

To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.

One of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people to think she’s mean.

With age comes wisdom. You don’t need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.

I use a smoke alarm as a timer.

Don’t cook. Don’t clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum.

I was so ugly that my parents sent my picture to ‘ripley’s believe it or not’ – they sent it back and said, “we don’t believe it.”

Thank God we’re living in a country where the sky’s the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

If you don’t want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.

On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she’s a tramp.

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.

When it comes to hang the capitalists they will compete with each other to sell us the rope at a lower price.

The ideal way to get rid of any infectious disease would be to shoot instantly every person who comes down with it.

I don’t take nothin’ from no one. I do what I wanna do. And I’m gonna do that until the day I die. And if I can’t do that, then I’ll just die.

We are not shooting enough professors.

Fascism is capitalism in decay.

For the first time in the history of the world, every human being is now subjected to contact with dangerous chemicals, from the moment of conception until death.

It is the honey which makes us cruel enough to ignore the death of a bee.