You have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.
JOAN RIVERSLife is a movie, and you’re the star. Give it a happy ending.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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I was born in 1962, and the room next to me was 1963.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.
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Old age is always ten years more than we are.
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
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I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian — and I stand by it: He’s the daughter Cher wishes she’d had.
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Edgar had a heart attack, and I’m to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.
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I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’.
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I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.
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Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.
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One of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people to think she’s mean.
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Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn’t remember the lines.
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Thank God we’re living in a country where the sky’s the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
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I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.
JOAN RIVERS