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Life is a movie, and you’re the star. Give it a happy ending.

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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
JOAN RIVERS

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I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn’t get better. You get better.
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Better Grief Myself
On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.
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My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.
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Edgar had a heart attack, and I’m to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.
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Blame Head Heart Love Myself Sex
Just remember: Surviving is the best revenge, no matter what the disaster has been.
JOAN RIVERS

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Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.
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Happiness Money Pay Yourself
Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
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I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ‘Get the hell off my property.’
JOAN RIVERS

Funny Hell Herself Mom Myself
Life goes by fast. Enjoy it…Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
JOAN RIVERS

Enjoyment Fast Life Stay Strong Wrong
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
JOAN RIVERS

Body Memories Myself Women
Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
JOAN RIVERS

Cook Food Man Marriage Responsibility Sex Woman
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.
JOAN RIVERS

Funny Run Smile Time
I’m in nobody’s circle, I’ve always been an outsider.
JOAN RIVERS

Alone Company Myself
She doesn’t understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
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I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
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