I was so ugly that my parents sent my picture to ‘ripley’s believe it or not’ – they sent it back and said, “we don’t believe it.”
JOAN RIVERSA female salmon lays three thousand eggs a year – and has yet to receive a Mother’s Day card from one of them.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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Elizabeth Taylor’s so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It’s all funny.
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Grandchildren can be annoying – how many times can you go: “And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink”? It’s like talking to a supermodel.
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Life is a movie, and you’re the star. Give it a happy ending.
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A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don’t want to go through menopause again.
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Don’t worry about the money. Love the process.
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Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn’t remember the lines.
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I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian — and I stand by it: He’s the daughter Cher wishes she’d had.
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Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
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I use a smoke alarm as a timer.
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The last time I saw a blonde with red streaks in her hair she was laying on Oscar Pistorius’ bathroom floor.
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If you don’t want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.
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She doesn’t understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
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If you laugh at it, you can deal with it.
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People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
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I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
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I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
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I said to my husband, ‘Why don’t you call out my name when we’re making love?’ He said, ‘I don’t want to wake you up.’
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I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ‘Get the hell off my property.’
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The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.
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You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.
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I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn’t get better. You get better.
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Don’t cook. Don’t clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum.
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There are many self-help books by Ph.D.s, but I hold a different degree: an I.B.T.I.A.-I’ve Been Through It All. This degree comes not on parchment but gauze, and it entitles me to tell you that there is a way to get through any misfortune.
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I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
JOAN RIVERS