Grandchildren can be annoying – how many times can you go: “And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink”? It’s like talking to a supermodel.
JOAN RIVERSA female salmon lays three thousand eggs a year – and has yet to receive a Mother’s Day card from one of them.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are ‘age appropriate.’ For me that would be a shroud.
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You know you’re getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
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Keep moving. It’s hard for old age to hit a moving target.
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My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, “pick up, I know you’re there.”
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I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.
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When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now…once he opened the car door for me in the last four years – we were on the freeway at the time.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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We don’t apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don’t get it, then don’t watch us.
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Florida wants to change the state’s motto to attract younger people. They’re thinking about: More than just a great place to die.
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When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn’t wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.
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I enjoy life when things are happening. I don’t care if it’s good things or bad things. That means you’re alive.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It’s all funny.
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If you don’t want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.
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Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
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Before we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.
JOAN RIVERS