“A female salmon lays three thousand eggs a year – and has yet to receive a Mother’s Day card from one of them.”

On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.

On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.

On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.

Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?

Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?

Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?

I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.

Travel is the excitement of life! Everything is an adventure, and if you look at it like that, even at the worst moment you can say: ‘We will laugh tomorrow about this.’ And you do.

Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you’re funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.

I said to my husband, ‘Why don’t you call out my name when we’re making love?’ He said, ‘I don’t want to wake you up.’

To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.

One of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people to think she’s mean.

With age comes wisdom. You don’t need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.

I use a smoke alarm as a timer.

Don’t cook. Don’t clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum.

I was so ugly that my parents sent my picture to ‘ripley’s believe it or not’ – they sent it back and said, “we don’t believe it.”

I have no doubt that it is part of the destiny of the human race in it’s gradual improvement, to leave off eating animals.

History is a people’s memory, and without a memory, man is demoted to the lower animals.

A man of my spiritual intensity does not eat corpses.

We don’t let animals suffer, so why humans?

Of all the animals, man is the only one that is cruel. He is the only one that inflicts pain for the pleasure of doing it.

Humans are social animals. We seek belonging. We feel safer in a tribe than alone. But not all tribes are healthy.

Man is the only animal that blushes. Or needs to.

Man is the cruelest animal.