On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.
JOAN RIVERSA female salmon lays three thousand eggs a year – and has yet to receive a Mother’s Day card from one of them.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, “Marry him, you’ll double your wardrobe.”
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We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.
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I said to my husband, ‘Why don’t you call out my name when we’re making love?’ He said, ‘I don’t want to wake you up.’
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My mother could make anybody feel guilty – she used to get letters of apology from people she didn’t even know.
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If you can’t make fun of yourself, you don’t have any right to make fun of others.
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I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ‘Get the hell off my property.’
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Life is so tough. I don’t know how old you are, but I’ve seen so much in a wink. One phone call and your life is changed forever. We all know that. You better laugh at everything.
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When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.
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My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, “Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia?” Shelia had died at birth.
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I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she’s a tramp.
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I’m in nobody’s circle, I’ve always been an outsider.
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There are many self-help books by Ph.D.s, but I hold a different degree: an I.B.T.I.A.-I’ve Been Through It All. This degree comes not on parchment but gauze, and it entitles me to tell you that there is a way to get through any misfortune.
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Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.
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I use a smoke alarm as a timer.
JOAN RIVERS






