“My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.”

Some women take up the law and become lawyers. Other women lay down the law and become wives.

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.

Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.

Elizabeth Taylor’s so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

My mother could make anybody feel guilty – she used to get letters of apology from people she didn’t even know.

We don’t apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don’t get it, then don’t watch us.

When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn’t wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.

When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now…once he opened the car door for me in the last four years – we were on the freeway at the time.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’.

If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ‘Get the hell off my property.’

You have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.

I’d love to open a tennis school for children in my hometown of Sochi.

Remember that children, marriages, and flower gardens reflect the kind of care they get.

Each day of our lives we make deposits in the memory banks of our children.

When I was a little kid, I simply loved music and enjoyed expressing myself with my body.

Authentic men aren’t afraid to show affection, release their feelings, hug their children, cry when they’re sad, admit it when they’re wrong, and ask for help when they need it.

When one is consumed by the sorrows of life, three things give him relief: offspring, a wife, and the company of the Lord’s devotees.

A nation is not made wealthy by the childish accumulation of shiny metals, but it enriched by the economic prosperity of it’s people.

The task is simple. We will organize children and teach them in a perfect way the things their fathers and mothers are doing in an imperfect way.