I never eat before breakfast.
W. C. FIELDSI’m looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.
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Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.
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You can’t trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
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When you wake up in the morning, smile – and get it over with.
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Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.
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Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.
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I never met a kid I liked.
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Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.
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Try till you succeed, if you don’t succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!
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Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.
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There’s no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
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Sex isn’t necessary. You don’t die without it, but you can die having it.
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When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.
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I didn’t squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn’t see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.
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I don’t drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?
W. C. FIELDS