Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.
W. C. FIELDSJust like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, You can’t cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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Wouldn’t it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.
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I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
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Drat! Being the encapsulated view of life.
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Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.
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Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.
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Try till you succeed, if you don’t succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!
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I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
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I’m free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
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Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.
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A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.
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You can’t cheat an honest man.
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My illness is due to my doctor’s insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.
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Prayers never bring anything, They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy – but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas.
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I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.
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I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.
W. C. FIELDS