Drat! Being the encapsulated view of life.
W. C. FIELDSJust like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, You can’t cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.
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It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one’s present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason.
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When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.
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Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.
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I never met a kid I liked.
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Yes I do like children, Girl children, about eighteen or twenty.
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Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
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Now don’t say you can’t swear off drinking; it’s easy. I’ve done it a thousand times.
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During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.
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My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.
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My illness is due to my doctor’s insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.
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I’m free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
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Sex isn’t necessary. You don’t die without it, but you can die having it.
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A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.
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Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.
W. C. FIELDS